FIGHT YOUR WAY TO A BETTER MARRIAGE

Dr. Greg Smalley, the Executive Director of Marriage and Family Formation at Focus on the Family, tackles an issue that every single married couple faces: conflict. But rather than trying to talk couples into NOT fighting, he tells them that when you fight by the rules outlined in his book, they are better for it. Married couples will learn how to fight their way to a better marriage, using the skills, concepts, and exercises shared in this remarkable book.

Conflict in marriage, says Dr. Greg Smalley, is actually a good thing. In fact, marriages and individual spouses can’t grow without it. Some of the many values of conflict include:
* Conflict provides an opportunity to break old, ineffective patterns.
* Conflict allows you to guard against being too comfortable or too complacent, which breeds mediocrity and boredom.
* Conflict gives you insight into your own personal issues.
* Conflict is a window for viewing each other’s deepest feelings and needs.
* Conflict reduces tension as emotions are vented and stress is released.
* Difficult and heated conversations can create greater trust and intimacy—once you get to the other side.
* Conflict can raise you to higher levels of marital satisfaction every time you manage the conflict well.
* Conflict is the sole reason that we have the amazing experience of “make up sex.”

Conflict, Dr. Smalley teaches, is not really driven by the issues we argue about (money, sex, in-laws, work, kids); but is frequently driven by fear. The fear of being disrespected or taken for granted, the fear of powerlessness, of not being listened to or valued, and the fear of rejection or being inadequate. What assuages these fears, he says, are things like intimacy, respect, validation, love, and connection. He even helps readers identify the physical reactions that occur when their personal buttons are pushed--reactions like shaking, trembling, or sweating.

As Dr. Smalley leads readers through the many faces of conflict, he is open and candid about his own marriage and the unproductive fights he and his wife have had. He uses their fears and emotional triggers as examples to help readers discover their own. Poorly managed conflict, he states, is always “buried alive” and festers until it becomes a much bigger problem. In the end, buried issues end up exploding like a massive volcano, leaving spouses and family members in its wake of destruction.